its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
