my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
