I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
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It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
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I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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