well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
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I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
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Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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