im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm at about main and main street
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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