the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.