well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
