Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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