Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
