sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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