Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
