Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
