After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
