haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
