you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
