seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She announced her abortion via fbk
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
