I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
