That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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