Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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