Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
