I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
