I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
