So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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