I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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