Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
