In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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