Please, let me fuck your mom
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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