we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
