Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
