Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
