i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
