fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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