Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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