Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
