My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
