So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
