What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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