Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
