Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
