non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
