Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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