he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
