i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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