So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
