I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
