Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
