I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
