If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.