rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
he just fucked me for my cheese.