I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
