he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
