I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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