while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
