DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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