woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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