Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
