Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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