i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
